What to expect in Couples Therapy
Relationships take work. It is one of those harsh realities we learn in life. It would be great if our relationships stayed happy without much effort from us, but unfortunately this isn't the case.
We all grow and change, and life throws us challenges. This puts pressure on partnerships but it doesn't mean we have to live with constant discord, or leave our partners.
Relationship expert Dr John Gottman says many couples feel their problems are unique but they often fall into two categories.
“Either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be part of your lives forever, in some form or another,” he says. Gottman says 69% of conflicts are perpetual. Couples therapy is a way to work through these problems.
The value of couples counselling
Relationship distress can affect us in all aspects of our lives. A recent study from the Australian Institute of Family Studies showed relationship distress had a negative effect on the individual, couple and family. It was also associated with mental health problems.
Fortunately, the research also showed various approaches to relationship counselling that have been found to be “effective in reducing relationship distress or increasing relationship satisfaction”.
Couples counselling is an effective way to work through conflicts and learn how to better relate to each other.
Therapeutic approaches
Every counsellor has a preferred therapeutic approach to couples therapy and every couple responds differently to various therapy styles. I use a combination of three main therapeutic approaches — Gestalt, Gottman Method and Psychodynamic.
Sometimes I use one approach as a framework to work through a particular conflict. Other times, I may use a combination of all of them. We work together to find out what works best for you.
Here’s a brief explanation of Gestalt, Gottman Method and Psychodynamic, and how they work to resolve relationship issues.
Gestalt Therapy
Gestalt therapy is an approach that focuses on what is happening in the present, rather than the past. It is about becoming more aware of ourselves and the way we engage with our lives. This therapeutic approach relies on our experience in the moment.
How does Gestalt inform your session in couples counselling?
Because Gestalt is about current experience, when utilised in couples therapy we work on current ways of relating. We don’t rehash old events. We try to become attuned to the thoughts and feelings behind the way we are behaving and communicating in the present.
How does Gestalt help?
The more we know about ourselves, the better we understand our reactions in difficult situations. Through this awareness, Gestalt equips us to change unhelpful patterns of behaviour that may be affecting our relationship.
Gottman Method
The Gottman Method is a structured and evidence-based form of couples therapy based on the research of Dr John Gottman.
How does the Gottman Method inform your session in couples counselling?
Gottman Method begins with one session with the couple together, and then one alone with the counsellor. On the fourth session, the couple meets again with the therapist to discuss goals for the future. These are usually within three areas: friendship, conflict management, and creation of shared meaning.
How does Gottman Method help?
The Gottman Method works to help couples improve communication, learn to cope with challenges in new ways, increase intimacy, and grow empathy and understanding within the relationship.
Psychodynamic Therapy
Psychodynamic Therapy is based on theories of psychoanalysis. It focuses on how subconscious thoughts and feelings affect the way we live our lives today.
How does Psychodynamic Therapy inform your session in couples counselling?
Psychodynamic Therapy is a talk-based therapy. In these sessions, we share whatever comes to mind and explore what seems poignant at the time. The therapist may guide us to think back to our past and uncover the origins of particular beliefs.
How does Psychodynamic Therapy help?
Through open and honest conversations, we uncover repressed emotions, fears and desires. Through a trusted relationship with a therapist, we are able to reveal the ways of relating to ourselves and others that have been unhelpful.
How I work
At your first session, I try to get to know you and your partner and what brings you to therapy. One of you might want to be there, and one of you may not. This is normal, and I work with this too. I might ask questions about your relationship history, or just work with what you've brought to the session.
Going forward, I give each of you space to voice your concerns about the issues you are facing and the feelings you have about various situations. I help you navigate hard topics.
If you’re arguing, my focus is not what you’re arguing about but how you communicate with each other. It is through working with this that I believe you can begin to understand how you got stuck, and feel empowered to make changes.
What to expect at couples counselling Cottesloe and Applecross?
Regardless of the therapeutic approach your therapy session involves, by attending couples therapy you can expect:
A safe environment where you will be heard and treated equally
Couples therapy is a safe space. Somewhere you’re given the time to express your thoughts and feelings without judgment. I don’t take sides. I listen to both of you equally.
A space to move away from blame and gain insight on your own part in conflict
Sometimes it is hard to see our part in things. I'm there to help you understand what you bring to your relationship, and how this may affect your partner.
Useful strategies to navigate conflict
Through the use of the therapeutic approaches explained above, I offer strategies you can use to navigate conflicts that arise at home.
I believe couples can get through infidelity, loss, and big life decisions if they are willing to have difficult conversations.
Couples counselling can take time, especially if patterns are entrenched. But with a bit of willingness, commitment and love, old issues can be dealt with and resolved, paving the way for a much happier, more intimate life together.
Is your relationship struggling?
I can help. Get in touch with couples counselling Cottesloe and Attadale (near Applecross).